The stress of preparing our family to move has put me into the 'put your head down and push the handcart with all your might' mode. I have felt like my shoulder has been pushed to the wheel for a long time. Now, I am not afraid of hard work, in fact, most times I thrive on it. But the reality of the situation is, I cannot put my head down to push and forget to be a friend, daughter, mother and wife. I still have to be a person. This is my struggle. I emotionally go into hibernation and am unavailable to those closest to me. Here's an example:
I am terrible at waking up in the middle of the night with kids. Once they are sleeping through the night, I mentally check off that I don't have get up anymore. If I am in a deep sleep, I dont hear anything. If I do hear it, I'll get up and take care of whatever the need is. When we moved to my moms house, Charly and JR started waking up frequently through the night. One night Charly woke up and came to the side of my bed, and woke me up to tell me what was wrong. With half my brain still in la-la land, I turned to her and said, 'Can't you see I'm sleeping? Go back to bed' Say what?? How uncompassionate is that?! Ryan heard it and asked me if I realized what I just said. His question turned the other half of my brain on and I recognized that I had no idea what had just come out of my mouth and how ridiculous, rude and unloving a response that was. I quickly got up and helped Charly back to bed.
More frequently were the times when I had just dealt with a setback or frustration, and Kate or Clark would ask me a question and I'd bite their head off. They had no clue what had happened that day, and I went from 0-60 on them. Not cool.
The hardest, I think, was the stress it put on our marriage. Now, I have to preface this by saying that I feel that Ryan and I have a great marriage. We have always prided ourselves on our ability to communicate, lack of disagreements, and that we genuinely love each other and like being together.
Over the last 2 months Ryan and I have had more fights than we'd like to admit. "Fight" being a technical term, I'd qualify them more as "tiffs". Small disagreements that turned into something bigger. Now we'd usually get over it in a few hours, but there were times we went to bed upset, started to snuggle in the middle of the night, and was then able wake up able to settle our differences. The frequency of our 'tiffs' increased the closer we got to moving day, when we had more to accomplish in a shorter amount of time. Stress induced? You betcha. Things that'd never cause hurt feelings or anger, did. Words and tones that were rarely ever used, seemed to be spoken often. It felt like every few days we'd say to the other, "Can we be friends again? I'm done fighting".
About 10 days before the move, we went up to the cabin for the day to help my dad cut up a tree he had cut down. More than once that afternoon, when the work was done, my dad said, "Why don't you and Ryan stay here and we'll take the kids home?" We had prior commitments that required us to go home, and I think we were both so frazzled that the offer of a night together just didn't even seem possible. A few days later, when we were all home at my parents house again, my dad approached Ryan and I separately and again offered to watch the kids so we could go to the cabin and have a little getaway before the chaos of the move took over. We both gave it half a thought, but then found out my sister Bridgett and her family we're headed there for the weekend. Oh well. On Friday night we went out for dinner and to run errands and actually ran into my sister Bridgett, and found out their plans changed and they did not go to the cabin. We decided that night we'd leave in the morning and come home Sunday.
I have to say, my dad is truly inspired. We needed that trip. We drove the LONG way there- through Globe and up to ShowLow, then down to Christopher Creek - and we were in no hurry, no deadlines, and no kids creating a schedule. We spent the time in the truck talking - really talking - and being friends again.
I am grateful for my dads persistence.
That all being said - we have come out better through this stressful time. We have navigated the increased 'tiffs' and figured out how to come out of them together. It is making our marriage stronger. Marriage is something you CONSTANTLY have to work on. After 10 years, it is easy to let the stress of life give you the excuse to put your head down, push through, and forget that you have a partner to help you - if you remember to let them in. I can see how couples can drift apart. It doesn't take much, and over time, those mole hills turn into mountains. I am truly grateful for Ryan, he is the one to pull me back when I start to put my shoulder to the wheel without him. It truly is the Lord's plan for us to have a companion to work through this life with. I feel so lucky to have Ryan as that companion. We make a good team, but only when we put each other first and work on that relationship first.
Stress? Lots of it.
Fights? Yep.
Would I trade it? Never.
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