Feeling Strong

Last Friday was a hard mental day. For those of you who don't know, I have struggled with anxiety and depression for over 11 years, but I've learned how to keep it at bay most of the time. In times of stress, lack of sleep and unhealthy eating (aka - moving to Italy) I have a much harder time trying to combat the anxiety. I didn't realize until a week ago how much I rely on exercise to help me combat the anxiety. I've always known that, but I guess I've never gone too long without a hard workout, so I didn't realize how much I needed it. Since we moved, I have not had a hard workout. Yes, I've been doing those 9 minute missions, but it was only a 15 minute workout, and I was loosing motivation to push myself while doing them. It just wasn't enough. I told Ryan I was having a hard mental day and when he asked what he could do to help (best husband ever) I told him I really just wanted an exercise bike and weights. I knew I needed a way I could exercise at home. Saturday morning he drove over the the mall to run some errands and came home with an exercise bike, a kettle bell and some hand weights. I was thrilled. Since it was my birthday last week, Ryan got to give it to me as a birthday present, and got major points for giving me such an awesome birthday present. (it will also qualify as my Mother's Day present and my Anniversary gift:) When Ryan got it all put together, I had to try it out. I rode for 30 minutes, and it's a good thing I had to get off to go make dinner, because I barely made it through those 30 minutes. It kicked my butt. It had been too long since I'd done any cardio training. By Monday morning I was ready to start over, to get up and exercise to help me feel strong - in hopes that feeling strong would enable me to win against my anxiety. I knew that in order to have time to get a workout in - I'd have to wake up early - like 5am early. I've always been a morning person so waking up at 5am doesn't scare me - but when I am really struggling with anxiety, I need a lot of sleep too. It can be a delicate balance. I decided I'd need to get up by 5:15am to have enough time to spiritually strengthen (prayer and scripture study) and physically strengthen myself before the kids woke up. (Because you know once the kids wake up, there is no such thing as doing anything for yourself. Plus, with no gym membership- I couldn't sleep in and then take the kids to the childcare at the gym later) When my alarm went off - I was ready. Ready to try again. Ready to feel strong in some way, because I had not felt strong in anyway for along time. I got up, got dressed, did my spiritual exercise, then put my earbuds in, turned on my music, got on that bike and petaled my little heart out. I pushed my body to the limit. I'm not sure why, but the music blasting in my ears motivated me want to work harder- it was invigorating. Now, about music - I hadn't listened to much music since we moved and I didn't realize how much i missed it. Especially my hip hop/dance/techno music that I listen to when i workout. With no pandora radio in Italy, and no radio except in the car (which i was never in, and it's mostly Italian music and old 80's and 90's american songs), I was never listening to music. Sure, I have a plethora of music on iTunes, but i needed new playlists and didn't even think about sitting down at the computer to organize music, let alone have the time to. In the U.S., I always listened to Pandora - it was just easier for me. Needless to say, it felt good to listen to music again. After I rode the bike for about 40 minutes, I lifted weights for another 20. For me, there is just something about mentally pushing my body to do something hard, that makes me feel strong. I feel like if I can get myself to push those petals hard, or lift that heavy weight , maybe I can do whatever else is hard that day. I think it's my spirit body having control over my physical body, or in other words; mind over matter. For me, if I am working on being physically strong - it pushes me to try to be more mentally strong - which I desperately need. Now, I have to say that I don't believe that physical strength or physique has anything to do with mental strength. I know women who are physically strong but spiritually weak, and those who are physically weak but have great emotional and mental strength. I do believe that we all have to do hard things to become strong. We feel strong when we have accomplished something that was hard for us. And that could be a hundred different things. For me, one way to feel strong is to workout hard. Sweat dripping, heart pumping, muscles aching hard. I also feel that same strength and invigoration after I've taught a lesson guided by the Spirit. When I have studied and prayed and then while giving the lesson, I know that what I'm saying is what The Lord wants me to say, and may help someone in someway. I also feel that strength when I finally get around to organizing that thing that's bothering me, create something, when I've taken the time to learn something new, baking food for someone else, or good conversations with good friends. I also feel strong when i've endured a hard ship - a trial - and I know we all have plenty of those. Now that I write out those things that make me feel strong, I realize that I haven't had much opportunity to do any of those things here in Italy,(except for the trial part, but that's not over) and maybe that's why a good hard workout felt so amazing. It's something I can do a couple times a week to have a few minutes of feeling strong. We all need to do something to push ourselves a little bit. Our spirit suffers when we shy away from challenges or growth. Our physical, mental and spiritual muscles need to be worked and even get sore a little bit. I love feeling strong, and its a feeling that comes and goes for me. I wish I felt it more often, and for that reason - I think I may crave it a little bit. As much as I hate getting out of bed so early in the morning to exercise, and no matter how much I want to just stay in bed and sleep - I will get up. Even though I don't want to get on that bike, I do. Of course there are days that I tell myself that I'll just take it easy and not push myself very hard, but for some reason, I'll end up going hard or longer that I originally told myself I would. Why ? Because deep down, my soul knows I need it. Now there are those days that I cant get out of bed, or I know that the best thing mentally I can do for myself is sleep a little bit longer - and I do just that. There are days that even though I felt strong for those 30 minutes on the bike, I get off and within 10 minutes feel the depression and anxiety weasel its way back in. Even as I write this, I don't feel strong, but I know I did, and can again. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am grateful for the opportunities I have to feel strong - and recently it has been in a physical sense. Regardless of whatever the hard thing we do to feel strong is, we just have to do it. I also must mention my Savior Jesus Christ, without Him, and His strength - I'd be nothing. I echo Ammon in the Book of Mormon, " I know that I am nothing, as to my strength I am weak, for I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in His strength I can do ALL things"